Tuesday, July 5, 2011

There Goes My Life

Once again I find my life all about doctors appointments. I remember the first time that I was diagnosed, I fell horribly behind in my grading because of all the diagnostic appointments. Then there was the chemo appointments every week for an hour and every three weeks for 4-5 hours. I did start to think of those as quiet time because the rest of the time I was so swamped with my job and parenting. Your life has to be pretty hectic if you start looking forward to chemo:-) Then there was the six weeks that I had to go to radiation everyday. I even had the hour chemo appointments up until last Thanksgiving. When all this started happening again my first thought was "There goes my life." Substitute your own expletive there because I sure did.

To a certain extent I had these same thoughts before I was diagnosed--about being a mom. On some days I don't even have to get dressed ( I am online teacher) and a lot of times it is frankly not worth getting the girl's dressed. I would often think "When they are all in school, then I can have my life back."

I still have a poor attitude when it comes to being a mom. I often find myself thinking "I have cancer and I still have to potty train (unsuccessfully) my toddler and pick up after these kids! ( I think it is funny that when they are being sweet they are my girls or babies but when they are horrid, they are those kids, as if they just magically appeared and I don't want to claim them.) I would much rather lead a Bible study or even teach high school; sometimes other areas of my life are much more gratifying. There I said it. Motherhood is not always the epitome of personhood for me.

I wonder if it ever crossed Paul's mind when he went to prison "There goes my life!" I wonder if he was tempted to just coast and not do anything while he was locked up. I wonder if he ever thought "I have to be in jail AND share the Gospel? You got to be kidding me!" Talk about blooming where he was planted.

The Bible tells me that my life is in Christ. My life is doing what God wants me to do that is right here in front of me-- not somewhere down the line. It means treating my kids (and husband) with love even when I don't feel good. It means being a mother ( and wife) even when I don't get thanked ( which, let's face it, is pretty much all the time:-). It means treating doctor's and nurses kindly and with respect even when they don't move fast enough for my taste or I'm in pain. It means sharing what God is teaching me here with these words even when I'm busy ( sorry about not posting last week-- volunteering for vacation Bible school kicked my butt). It means being grateful for everything in my life. It means blooming where I am planted.

"I am the Gate. Anyone who goes through me will be cared for—will freely go in and out, and find pasture. A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. "
John 10:9-10 The Message (MSG)

No comments:

Post a Comment