I went to the doctor yesterday before
getting my weekly chemo. He said that my labs look good and that the
CAT scan is clear. He is very pleased on how well the drugs are
working and how well I am handling the Chemo. I pressed him about
how long I will have to keep up the weekly chemo. He didn't want to
use the word “indefinitely” but he did say it is not unheard of
patients being on these type of drugs for two years! The thing is, he
explained, is this is a brand new drug that is doing its job so he
doesn't want to stop prematurely and then have the cancer come back.
There is a lot of hope in what he said, but the thought of two more
years of this is just disheartening to say the least. I am
tolerating the medicine rather well, but that doesn't mean that it is
easy, by no means. And just the time it takes and how tired I am
afterwards—my Thursdays are pretty much shot.
I am trying to stay on the bright side,
as difficult as that is. I am trying to look at this as a chronic
condition, like lupus or diabetes. These drugs are doing a good job
managing my disease, but aren't without their inconveniences and side
effects. Like some chronic illnesses, there is a chance that I will
go into remission and be able to get off the drugs. But in the mean
time they are necessary and just part of my life.
So, as always, I need to trust my
future to God. I posted a couple of weeks ago: “We want answers to
our questions because sometimes they are easier to trust than God. --
Beth Booram”
Lord, help me to trust you when answers are hard to come by. I would so much like the doctor to say I am done with this and be able to move on from this facet of my life. But there are obviously lessons I still need to learn, places I still need to grow. The Lord knows what he is doing.
Lord, help me to trust you when answers are hard to come by. I would so much like the doctor to say I am done with this and be able to move on from this facet of my life. But there are obviously lessons I still need to learn, places I still need to grow. The Lord knows what he is doing.
My new obsession is the song “Better
than I” from the movie Joseph, King of Dream.
It is so beautiful! It expresses exactly how we are to react when
our future is not certain.
If
this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason.
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through.
I try to do what's best,
And faith has made it easy,
To see the best thing I can do
I Is put my trust in You.
For You know better than I,
You know the way.
I've let go the need the need to know why,
For You know better than I.
I cannot see the reason.
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through.
I try to do what's best,
And faith has made it easy,
To see the best thing I can do
I Is put my trust in You.
For You know better than I,
You know the way.
I've let go the need the need to know why,
For You know better than I.
Joseph must have felt similar to me
when he faced all that time in prison. He found himself in a
situation he never expected to be in, he didn't want and with no end
in sight. He had to trust that God knows what he is doing and he has
a plan and a purpose in all of his sufferings. God gives us glimpses
of His plan as wonderful gifts to keep us going (like days I get to
encourage my fellow chemo buddies) but for the most part we just need
to trust him. Like a lantern to our path, God reveals just enough
ahead of us to keep us going. If we saw the whole path, who is to
say we wouldn't just freak and run away or freeze our movements
altogether. Who is to say we would even understand it. If we knew
the whole plan then we wouldn't have to trust God and have faith that
everything will work out for His Glory and our good.
So here I am, trusting God with my
future. I am to move ahead on my path, praising God and serving him
in all that I do, holding the lantern of God's word and the Holy
Spirit ahead of me, putting one foot before the other, trusting God
with the darkness.
Isaiah
42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
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