Not Wasting the Water

Earlier this week I wrote about the storms of life. It is funny that storms involve a lot of water, but you can hardly call them refreshing. In order to bloom, however, you do need water, but a soft, gentle rain or a bubbling spring is best for that. Often after a storm the water runs off and you are left with the dry cracked earth of the desert. So what then?

Sometimes God is gracious and provides us a season of rest after the storm or more often small breaks, or breathers as I like to call them, even in the midst of longer storms. But if we aren't careful we could use these breaks as an excuse to rest on our laurels, as though we are “entitled” to these moments.

I went through this a couple of years ago. I had gone through chemo, lumpectomy and then radiation and, though I was still getting herceptin, it was only short trips to the chemo chair every few weeks and seemed like nothing compared to what I had gone through in the last year. I thought the cancer was gone and that I was finally able to rest. The problem is that I decided that was a rest from everything—my household duties, my health (eating right and excercising), and most appaling of all, my prayer life and quiet time with the Lord. By doing this, I actually was self imposing desert living. I grew complacent and distant from God and as a consequence was not growing.

I had a rather jarring wake up call when friends had to confront me with the knowledge that I was neglecting my children to the point that the day care had mentioned calling CPS. Thank goodness that never happened. I could have wallowed, put up a fight exclaiming “but look what I have gone through?” or “why aren't you accusing Brian of the same things?” O.K. I did a fair amount of this at first. But then I woke up and confronted myself and it drew me closer to God as I prayed about what I needed to do. First things first is that I had to get back to the Word and use it to water my soul back to green. I also reflected on how God's goodness had gotten me that far. Finally the brown, cracked earth of my heart began to come back to life.

Think about the Isrealites. They went from having too much water when they were threatened by the Red Sea, to grumbling about being thirsty to the point of death. Maybe if they had reflected on God's goodness in saving them out of Egypt, they would have realized that God was not going to let them go. God provides what we need, if we rely on him for the giving.

That is the key to bringing the refreshment of water back to the desert moments in our life. Go to the true source of the Living Water—Christ's love as reflected in the Bible and in our own life through his loving provision. Spend time in prayer and in the Word even if it feels strange at first, like you are going through the motions. The pump needs to be primed a bit before the water begins to flow. That isn't any fault of God's though, but a by product of our neglect. Look over your life and record even the smallest of merciful moments where Christ's love brought you through the storms of your life. Then watch how God brings you back to life again. And don't forget to reflect and record that blooming.

We don't have to wait for rest to bring the Living Water into our lives. We need to stay in the Word while we are going through the storms. In doing so we are catching the rain water so it can do good to our souls, rather than running out into the gutters of life. We should reflect on and record the littlest provisions, the strength and peace God provides through it all. Then maybe we can experience more of the gentle waters of the cool garden and less of the cracked earth of the desert. Then when we are given rest, it won't be wasted, but will be times of true blooming.

Psalm 1:2-4

New International Version (NIV)

2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

John 7:37-39

New International Version (NIV)

37 On the last and greatest day of the festival, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. 38 Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

Calm vs. Peace

I am definitely in a stormy period in my life. It may not be a full out tornado, but it is a steady down pour with the occasional squall. The squalls usually involved my children. They are no respecters of my disease. They still act like willful children. Yesterday I was in charge of children's church. It went fine except for my two littlest ones—they int interrupted me every five seconds, whining and crying about some such matter. I finally had to drag them (literally) out to their father, them screaming all the while. What a nightmare!

Here I was serving God and this happens. I often find myself wishing things would go smoother, especially on the days of my treatment. Is it too much to ask that my children get ready without struggle, that my house be clean and in order, that my appliances and car work without fail? Yes, it is.

God never says life will be without storms. He just promises that He will be there to help us weather them. Sometimes God calms the storms and I am forever grateful for the rest that provides, but sometimes He lets the winds roar and we just have to trust Him.

I can think of several instances in the Bible involving storms and the disciples.

One is in Mark 4. This time everyone was in the boat, including Jesus when

37 [a] furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 38 Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?"
39 He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
40 He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

This time he calmed the storm. What a wonderful relief to the disciples. Perhaps Jesus sensed their fragile faith couldn't take too much of the wind, but he still needed to teach them to trust Him. Sometimes our storms are short lived, but there is still a lesson to be learned, a lesson to take into the next storm that may last longer.

Another is in Matthew 14. This is the one where Peter walks on water. The wind is buffeting the boat when Jesus came to them:

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: 'Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid."
28 "Lord, if it’s you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29 "Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God.”

Notice that Jesus didn't calm the storm until Peter had walked out to Him. He may not have lasted long above water, but he did show faith and courage as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus and not the storm. No matter how long the storm, we too must keep our eyes on Jesus and not our circumstances.

Finally in John 6 there is a storm and Jesus walks out to the disciples whose boat was in rough waters. Jesus says, 

“It is I; don’t be afraid." 21 Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

Notice that it never said that he calmed the storm. Perhaps even when they reached the shore safely, the storm still raged. Who knows how long the storm lasted, but Jesus still got them to where they needed to go and He does the same for us.

All three (and many others) have one thing in common—Jesus urged his followers to not be afraid. This is the key between calm and true peace. The truth is that only storms bring growth. It was only in the storms that our faith is tested and we are able to walk on water. But we can still have peace amidst the buffeting if we take courage, resist fear, keep our eyes on Jesus. Then our hearts will have clear skies while outside the wind roars.

Or in my case, my children scream :-)

Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation —
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

Answers or Beauty?

In light of the Colorado theatre shooting, I am struck with how terrible things happen to people everyday. I am sure that there are many that are asking “why?” and “how can a loving God do such a thing?” These are vital questions that everyone must answer. Myself, I answered them long ago and though I could talk about the reasons, I don't want to right now. The bottom line is that I have faith and I know my God and I don't define my God by what happens to me; I define what happens to me by knowing God. You can ask yourself “Why?” all eternity long about the bad things that happen to you, but you will only kill your spirit, draining yourself of the strength to face another day.

So I choose to focus on the positive. For example, the story of Petra Anderson, who survived a shot in the head because of a brain defect she had had since birth though she had no idea of it. She had a channel of fluid that ran from the front of her brain to the back and the bullet happened to follow that channel so as to not damage the vital parts of her brain. That is certainly not a coincidence. God had prepared her from birth to get through this incident. What she does with that from now on will be the true miracle.

I can look back and see that God prepared me for breast cancer. Eleven months prior to my diagnosis, I got a wonderful job from home that has allowed me to keep up with working all through my treatments. I didn't opt for medical coverage when I was hired, but was urged to seek double coverage at the time of diagnosis. Since k12 had grown so much (in a recession no less :-) they were switching everyone over to a new insurance and so I was able to get coverage with no pre-existing condition exclusion and my doctors were in the network. From the people he has surrounded me with, to the knowledge of Him in which I was firmly planted, God has lovingly provided me with all I need to get through this part of my life. Not just to survive, but to proclaim his glory through it all.

Our lives are a mosaic lovingly arranged by God. Our hearts are delicate pieces of glass that God breaks apart and it may seem like random shattering. But he picks up each piece in his loving hands and adds his own pieces and makes a beautiful masterpiece. Unlike a jigsaw puzzle, we can't see the picture that He is making and the finished product isn't always recognizable. In fact, I don't think the masterpiece of our lives is ever really finished. Sometimes you have to step back to see the beauty in the shattered pieces, but it's there. You can look for answers or you can look for beauty, but strength comes from beauty.

Psalm 22: 9 Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you, even at my mother’s breast.
10 From birth I was cast on you;
from my mother’s womb you have been my God.

A Light Upon my Path

I went to the doctor yesterday before getting my weekly chemo. He said that my labs look good and that the CAT scan is clear. He is very pleased on how well the drugs are working and how well I am handling the Chemo. I pressed him about how long I will have to keep up the weekly chemo. He didn't want to use the word “indefinitely” but he did say it is not unheard of patients being on these type of drugs for two years! The thing is, he explained, is this is a brand new drug that is doing its job so he doesn't want to stop prematurely and then have the cancer come back. There is a lot of hope in what he said, but the thought of two more years of this is just disheartening to say the least. I am tolerating the medicine rather well, but that doesn't mean that it is easy, by no means. And just the time it takes and how tired I am afterwards—my Thursdays are pretty much shot.

I am trying to stay on the bright side, as difficult as that is. I am trying to look at this as a chronic condition, like lupus or diabetes. These drugs are doing a good job managing my disease, but aren't without their inconveniences and side effects. Like some chronic illnesses, there is a chance that I will go into remission and be able to get off the drugs. But in the mean time they are necessary and just part of my life.

So, as always, I need to trust my future to God. I posted a couple of weeks ago: “We want answers to our questions because sometimes they are easier to trust than God. -- Beth Booram”
Lord, help me to trust you when answers are hard to come by. I would so much like the doctor to say I am done with this and be able to move on from this facet of my life. But there are obviously lessons I still need to learn, places I still need to grow. The Lord knows what he is doing.

My new obsession is the song “Better than I” from the movie Joseph, King of Dream. It is so beautiful! It expresses exactly how we are to react when our future is not certain.

If this has been a test,
I cannot see the reason.
But maybe knowing I don't know
Is part of getting through.

I try to do what's best,
And faith has made it easy,
To see the best thing I can do
I Is put my trust in You.

For You know better than I,
You know the way.
I've let go the need the need to know why,
For You know better than I.

Joseph must have felt similar to me when he faced all that time in prison. He found himself in a situation he never expected to be in, he didn't want and with no end in sight. He had to trust that God knows what he is doing and he has a plan and a purpose in all of his sufferings. God gives us glimpses of His plan as wonderful gifts to keep us going (like days I get to encourage my fellow chemo buddies) but for the most part we just need to trust him. Like a lantern to our path, God reveals just enough ahead of us to keep us going. If we saw the whole path, who is to say we wouldn't just freak and run away or freeze our movements altogether. Who is to say we would even understand it. If we knew the whole plan then we wouldn't have to trust God and have faith that everything will work out for His Glory and our good.

So here I am, trusting God with my future. I am to move ahead on my path, praising God and serving him in all that I do, holding the lantern of God's word and the Holy Spirit ahead of me, putting one foot before the other, trusting God with the darkness.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

The Importance of Roots

This weekend I was struck by how important the roots are to a plant. With all the rain we've been getting lately, I am feeling refreshed and revitalized. I realized how desperate I was for the water. I am sure the plants were feeling the same, yet without those roots the water would never get to where it needs to—to the heart of the plant.

It is the same for us Christians. Unless we are rooted in the Word, no amount of quenching that God wants to do will get to our hearts. It will simply wash away without affecting us. Then when the storms come, our very essence will be washed away with all the muck and the mud.

These last couple of years have been full of storms. But they have also seen beautiful moments of gentle rain that refreshed and renewed my soul: a women's conference at just the right time, a date night with my husband, a Sunday message meant just for me. I'm not sure I would recognize those moments without being rooted in the Word. Sometimes it is even more subtle—a verse that comes to mind when I or a friend needs it the most. I am natorious for offering a verse and saying “I'm not sure where that is, but it is in the Bible somewhere.” Thank God for the searchable function of the Bible on my phone so I can be more precise.

No one was more rooted in the Word than Christ himself. It seems that he was quoting the Bible every time he opened his mouth. Maybe he had an advantage because, afterall, he is THE WORD. But, he was also fully human, so I imagine his mind worked much the same as ours. He used the Bible to settle arguments, challenge his followers, make a point, resist temptation, teach a lesson and so on. He comforted and challenged with the Word. There was never a situation or occasion where the words of the Bible were not appropriate.

Righteousness begins in the mind and language comes from the mind. It is right to use the words of the Bible to wash our thoughts and to fight the battles that happen there. Being rooted means that every day we stretch the tendrils of our thoughts into the Bible and explore what God would have us learn. Then, when the winds of storms blow, we will have an anchor for our souls and we will emerge stronger than ever.

Colossians 2:6 So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, 7 rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.

Flying Lessons

Content to stay in the safety of the chrysalis,

Only dreaming of flight,

I could not be taught there.

The hatching was a battle.

Forgetting the promise of flight, I prayed for it to pass quickly,

But struggle strengthens wings

Even with wings, I sometimes forgot flying

And crawled like a caterpillar, mucked in the mud

As if I had no choice

I, as a new creature, was meant to soar,

Not in the clouds where earth is forgotten,

But among the flowers.

My name comes from the king

So I can’t help but head towards the warmth of my home

Finding my course by listening to the His gentle voice inside

My father’s wings are like Eagle’s wings--strong,

Mine like gossamer,

Needing His protection to weather the storm, to keep on flying.

No, I didn’t learn flying from a book or even by watching others

(Though catching some hope of flight)

But by the power of His love, weakened not by events on the ground.

By His help, I can realize the power of my purpose

To color the sky with my wings,

Gathering His seed wherever I go,

Birthing the hope of His bloom where I land.

Psalm 63: 7 

Because you are my help, 
    I sing in the shadow of your wings. 

My New Normal

Right now I am part a phase 1 drug trial of a new drug that is unique targeted to my type of cancer.  It doesn’t even have a name yet, just a number.  I get that drug, Herceptin (an antibody that blocks the her/2 receptors of my cancer) and a small bit of the hard stuff.  Since I only get a small bit of the hard stuff, I am experiencing only mild hair loss and no nausea (Thank the Lord!!!)  But the new drug does cause moderate to severe diarrhea. I have had some rough nights, but overall this regiment is easier than some of the others I’ve had (this is the third combo they have tried).  It seems to be working because my lesions have gone away, yet another praise.

The problem is that I have to go every week for Chemo—every week!!  With that comes all the hassles that come with sitting in a chair for four hours a week—what to do with the kids, falling behind with my work, neglecting household duties, being tired for a couple of days—not to mention the side effects, though mild at times. It is so exhausting dealing with going every week.  It was really tough at first.  I swear that the girls moved slower and were more stubborn on Thursdays, the day of my treatment.  That just doesn’t seem fair!  I have resigned myself to having to go each week, but is it too much to ask that getting to and from my appointment and arrangements with the kids go smoothly?  Twice I’ve gotten colds that delayed my treatment thus giving me a nice break, but leaving me miserable for several days.  Again, shouldn’t there be some rule where you shouldn’t have to get colds while you have cancer?  Yes, I know it is actually the opposite since my immune system is compromised.

I’ve gotten used to going now.  It is part of my life.  I have decided that those things that I have put off until I was done with treatment can no longer be put off.   God has clearly told me that I have no excuse not to serve him and obey him.  Some changes I’ve made willingly and with excitement—I started a women’s Bible study at my church (Last Monday of the month this summer—all are welcome, message me if you are interested).  Others I am resisting.  For example, I need to write more, exercise and eat better.  Especially, the eat better has become evidently clear.  What I eat has much more of an impact now.  My bowels have a way of vividly rebelling against what I eat.

The point is that this is my life.  There is no point in bemoaning my fate or shirking my responsibilities.  Whatever my lot, I am a child of God and must serve him.  He continues to show me grace and comfort each week.  His grace is sufficient.  In my weakness, he is strong.  This is my new normal.

I am reminded of the life of Daniel.  There are some real crises in the life of Daniel—and some real triumphs as well.  Who could ever forget the exciting story of Daniel and the lion’s den?  But for the most part his life was one of prolonged captivity—punctuated by dramatic events that highlighted Daniel’s continued faith and God’ s response.   He was a slave—though an honored one and one that experienced some sense of power.  Every time the Babylon rulers exercised their authority as religious ruler and objects of worship it reminded Daniel that he was a slave in a very real way, but slavery was his normal, no matter how unpleasant. Still, the king of Babylon said of him that he served his God “continually” (Dan 6:20). He had to learn to act with integrity and serve God in the day-to-day drudgery of a life he didn’t ask for.

This cancer has been punctuated by dramatic moments that have called out from me every ounce of my strength and then allowed me to rely on God’s strength and see his enduring goodness.  But for the most part it has become old hat, the drudgery of a life that I didn’t ask for. 

Daniel couldn’t wait for his bondage to end to serve God and neither can I.  I still need to use my talents to glorify God, to take care of my kids and husband.  Just because I have chemo each week, I still have to put up with days when my husband is irritable, the house is a mess, my four-year-old resists using the potty.  This is my life—I didn’t ask for it, but I can still bloom, have success despite, even because of it.  I am asked to act with integrity and serve God in the midst of my bondage to the chemo chair.

Maybe you are experiencing your bondage to a life you didn’t ask for and find unpleasant.  A town you had to move to that is lonely and doesn’t feel like home.  Perhaps a constant struggle with a rebellious teen.  A marriage that is experiencing a winter season.   Maybe a medical condition like my own.  You may not be able to control the situation, but you can control your reaction to it.  God is still faithful.  Let him comfort you.  And above all, never stop obeying him and serving him in the midst of your circumstances.  Like Daniel, you will find yourself blooming where you are planted.    

Psalm 119: 49 Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. 50 My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise preserves my life.56 This has been my practice: I obey your precepts.