I got some great news just in time for Christmas-- after radiation, all my tumors and nodes are smaller, even those outside the field of the radiation. The doctor believes that radiation has boosted the effectiveness of the current drug trial in which I'm participating and so He is hopeful we will see further shrinkage. I know it the grace of God that heals me and my hope is in Christ.
It has been a really long time since I've gotten such good news. Probably not since my cancer came back in 2011. The first time I had a lump after I thought I had beaten cancer, it presented as a lump of fluid that was drained and sent away for biopsy. It came back as negative for cancer. Brian and I were elated. It was truly the grace of God, allowing Brian and I to enjoy a wonderful anniversary trip to Ireland the week of St. Patrick's Day. We were able to thoroughly celebrate without the big 'C' hanging over are head. Still something told me we weren't through. But maybe that was just fear talking? So I dismissed it.
When we returned, I had to have the lump drained again and, unbeknownst to me, the doctor sent the liquid away for biopsy. I returned the next week to have it drained once again. It happened to be Spring Break and I happened to have Abby, my eldest daughter, waiting for me out in the waiting room. She was eight at the time. The doctor called me in to break the news that it was cancer and that he wanted me to get a double mastectomy. I was devastated to the point that I couldn't even remember my husband's phone number to call him. Looking back, I saw God's mercy in the initial negative diagnosis allowing the wonderful trip.
In my darker moments, I am tempted to compare that situation to my current positive diagnosis. Here I am getting the good news right before a holiday again. It allowed me to enjoy myself over Christmas and New Years in a way less positive news would not have allowed. You can see why my mind would go there.
Still this isn't the same situation. First this is much more tentative-- it is indicating shrinking, not the total absence of cancer. Also I have my own evidence to support the report-- less pain and fewer protruding tumors. I am able to sleep on my side for the first time in months. I don't feel like passing out because of blood loss after my showers.
And even if it is the same, and I find out bad news later on, worrying is not going to help me prepare, it only ruins today. That holiday that God gave me three years ago was a blessing that I am thankful for. I wouldn't trade it for one covered by the black pall of worry. Worrying doesn't prepare us for tomorrow, but instead steal strength from today.
And worrying isn't true. Most of what we worry about never comes to be. Phil. 4:8 says
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things." Worry isn't true-- it is the imagination creating events that may never come to pass and even if they do, it is in the future, so it isn't true yet.
And worry certainly doesn't belong in any of the other categories-- it isn't noble, right, pure and it certainly isn't lovely. Neither is it admirable, excellent or praiseworthy. So we shouldn't think of it, plain and simple. Ah but it is not so easy.
This is where a passage from a little earlier in Philippines comes to play. I'm not really great at memorizing scripture , but it comes naturally when you have repeated this scripture as much as I have. Whenever I am tempted to worry I say the following verses over and over: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
But it doesn't have to be these verses. It could be any verses that give your comfort. If there is anything at all in this world that is true, praiseworthy, lovely, it is God's word. Do don't worry.... So think about such things. ( I know how you started to complete that sentence :-)
Bloom Where You are Planted
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Friday, November 21, 2014
The Anchor in the Storm
All of us have experienced storms in our lives. We expect them. It is just a fact of life. Jesus even warned we would have them: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have
overcome the world.” (John 16:33b)
It is no wonder that many of the most
memorable stories in the Bible involve storms.
There is the flood, of course.
Peter walking on water. Paul’s
shipwreck.
One of my favorites is when a sudden
storm arises as Jesus was in a boat with the disciples. As the disciples are running around in a
panic, screaming, “Lord, save us!” What
is Jesus doing? Sleeping!
Does it seem that Jesus is doing
nothing to calm your storm despite you calling out “Lord, save me!”? Maybe it is because he is sleeping, perfectly
at peace, and maybe he wants you to do the same. When Jesus awoke he chastised the disciples
for having little faith. Perhaps if they
had had more faith they too could have slept calmly as the storm raged around
them. (Matt 8:23-27)
Often times when we are in the midst of
a storm we just pray for it to pass.
Perhaps though there is something that the lord wants to teach us, a way
he would like to grow our faith, which he cannot do with calm skies. Jesus can
calm the storm or he can calm the storm in us so that we can rest in his loving
arms despite what may be happening around us.
Which is the greater miracle?
In the storms of life what we need is
an anchor to hold us fast in the buffeting seas. That anchor is Jesus
Christ. If you hold fast to Him there is
no storm that you cannot weather. More
than weather it—you can sleep!
19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and
secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain,
20 where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on
our behalf.
Hebrew
6:19-20
Friday, November 14, 2014
Shine Like the Gem You Are
I am going to break from my usual metaphor of gardening and
go with another one this week—gemstones.
Raw gemstones are nothing special to look at. They are grey and dull and lifeless. It is not until they get into the hands of a
master cutter that the beauty and value of a gemstone is revealed.
One of the values of a gemstone is in the cut. The cut is what produces the facets on the
surface of a stone and the facets are what reflect the light that makes the gem
sparkle. This is where the master cutter
comes in. The facets have to be just
right—too steep or too shallow and there will be no reflection and so no
sparkle.
Believers are like those gems. Without God, we are nothing special—we are
dull and lifeless. In fact, we are
dead! God is the master cutter—grinding
and polishing until we sparkle with his light.
That light doesn’t originate with us but instead comes from the Father
and reflects off our character, a character that is produced by the many experiences
that God has allowed in our lives.
Sound like a beautiful process, right? It is but only if you focus on the end product-- the precious gemstone. The key words in the process are grinding and cutting, both painful processes. Some of the most transforming of
experiences in our lives are painful, but God orchestrated them in such a masterful and specific
way as to produce groves and facets in our lives. Those facets are what the light of God
reflects off of to produce His glory.
Without God’s masterful hands, painful experiences would produce groves
in our lives that are either too shallow or too deep to reflect God’s light and
so do not glorify God, as they should. We would remain ugly, dull and lifeless.
Romans 5:3-53 Not
only so, but we[a]
also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces
perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And
hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our
hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Another aspect of value and beauty in gemstones is
color. Color is based on the atomic
structure of a gem that either reflects or absorbs light. Sometimes other elements are introduced into
the atomic structure of a natural gemstone and so produce a unique and
sometimes rare and thus valuable color.
These are considered ‘impurities’ and can actually be very minor
manipulations in the atomic structure of the gem (as few as one in a million
atoms) but can produce very dramatic results.
Our character is created by God and is intrinsic to us. God introduces elements into our
personalities that produce our uniqueness.
These may be considered impurities to some, but in God’s masterful hands
they can produce our unique nature that can be used to add beauty to the
world. None of these elements are
accidental. We should accept are so
called ‘impurities’ as gifts from God and use them to bring glory to God. We
are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).
My hope is that you recognize that you are God’s gem, his
treasure and that by recognizing that you can allow God to work in your life so
that His glory, shines.
Ephesians
2:10
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Why it is O.K. to be angry at God
I have experienced a great deal of anger in life—betrayal by friends, domestic squabbles, uncooperative kids. But recently I have experienced a type of anger I have never experienced before and hoped I never would. As write this, it is with a great deal of guilt—
Hello my name is Ellen and I am angry at God.
In ten days I will have had cancer for five years. Many of the people who were diagnosed at the same time are celebrating being free from cancer. Five years with cancer is a milestone, something indeed to be celebrated. I too am a survivor, but one that is still in the fight. I too will be celebrating life but it will be tinged with sadness and weariness. Weary communicates so much more than tired. It is a tired felt in the body, mind and soul. and yes, I am angry.
At the beginning of this week I got a stomach virus that had me throwing up. There should be a rule that you shouldn’t have to suffer petty illnesses when you have cancer. I know, though, that because of a weakened immune system that the opposite is true. On the bright side I did lose ten pounds. Frankly I am weary of looking at the bright side. There is that word again. Weary is the tired side of anger.
The illness came after the mountain top experience of attending a Christian Writer’s Bootcamp. What an amazing three day. I learned so much my head hurt. God in his graciousness allowed me a three days of less pain and bleeding. I am grateful for that. Really I am, but then when I came back to apply what I learned, I slammed into the valley. Again, anger reared its ugly head.
Everyone tells me I have a right to my anger. That I have been through a lot in the past five years. But part of me feels like I don’t, that He is the God almighty and He has given me so much. I’ve felt God’s presence all through my ordeal and He has provided in wondrous ways.
I recognize all that, but there are times, in the midst of throwing up or bleeding through my clothes, I think “Why would he allow this to happen when I just want to serve Him?” I had to cancel teaching the Bible. I was crying with pain at church. I have reconciled the why of the cancer as a whole. It is when the bad is so bad that I question those moments, that pain. I am weary of feeling the pain.
Then I gain back some of my energy and I that weariness turns to anger. Then I feel guilt. But should I?
At least being angry means that I am acknowledging God’s hand in my life, even if I don’t like it; I am acknowledging his sovereignty in the situation and his power to stop it. And He already knows what I am feeling anyway.
The Psalms are full of every emotion imaginable—including anger. What I get from that is God is bigger than the vagaries of our emotion. That he can take what we throw up on Him. He is God almighty and created us as emotional beings. We are his children—full of love one moment, anger the next. Who among us hasn’t experienced a tantrum or two even from the best of kids? The key is that we remain children of God and we take our anger to Him. Honestly. Broken. Willing to have Him heal us, put us back together.
So go ahead. Be angry. God can take it.
Psalm 22[a]
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.[b]
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
Hello my name is Ellen and I am angry at God.
In ten days I will have had cancer for five years. Many of the people who were diagnosed at the same time are celebrating being free from cancer. Five years with cancer is a milestone, something indeed to be celebrated. I too am a survivor, but one that is still in the fight. I too will be celebrating life but it will be tinged with sadness and weariness. Weary communicates so much more than tired. It is a tired felt in the body, mind and soul. and yes, I am angry.
At the beginning of this week I got a stomach virus that had me throwing up. There should be a rule that you shouldn’t have to suffer petty illnesses when you have cancer. I know, though, that because of a weakened immune system that the opposite is true. On the bright side I did lose ten pounds. Frankly I am weary of looking at the bright side. There is that word again. Weary is the tired side of anger.
The illness came after the mountain top experience of attending a Christian Writer’s Bootcamp. What an amazing three day. I learned so much my head hurt. God in his graciousness allowed me a three days of less pain and bleeding. I am grateful for that. Really I am, but then when I came back to apply what I learned, I slammed into the valley. Again, anger reared its ugly head.
Everyone tells me I have a right to my anger. That I have been through a lot in the past five years. But part of me feels like I don’t, that He is the God almighty and He has given me so much. I’ve felt God’s presence all through my ordeal and He has provided in wondrous ways.
I recognize all that, but there are times, in the midst of throwing up or bleeding through my clothes, I think “Why would he allow this to happen when I just want to serve Him?” I had to cancel teaching the Bible. I was crying with pain at church. I have reconciled the why of the cancer as a whole. It is when the bad is so bad that I question those moments, that pain. I am weary of feeling the pain.
Then I gain back some of my energy and I that weariness turns to anger. Then I feel guilt. But should I?
At least being angry means that I am acknowledging God’s hand in my life, even if I don’t like it; I am acknowledging his sovereignty in the situation and his power to stop it. And He already knows what I am feeling anyway.
The Psalms are full of every emotion imaginable—including anger. What I get from that is God is bigger than the vagaries of our emotion. That he can take what we throw up on Him. He is God almighty and created us as emotional beings. We are his children—full of love one moment, anger the next. Who among us hasn’t experienced a tantrum or two even from the best of kids? The key is that we remain children of God and we take our anger to Him. Honestly. Broken. Willing to have Him heal us, put us back together.
So go ahead. Be angry. God can take it.
Psalm 22[a]
1 My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from my cries of anguish?
2 My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, but I find no rest.[b]
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the one Israel praises.[c]
4 In you our ancestors put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 To you they cried out and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
6 But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
Friday, August 22, 2014
The Root of Blooming
Here I am almost five years later and I am still dealing
with cancer. I certainly didn’t expect
this to be the life I’d be living—dealing with multiple recurring tumors that
give me intense pain some days. Locally advance cancer they call it. I can’t even find anyone on the Internet with
my same situation. I pride myself on
being unique but this is one situation where I would love to be boring.
I often have people say that I have a wonderful
attitude. Part of it is that they don’t
see in my dark time, alone, often late at night, sleepless, wondering about my
future. Or times when my emotions hit me
out of nowhere. I watched my daughter’s
fifth grade graduation and suddenly burst into tears, crying out in my heart
“Please, God, let me be alive to see her high school graduation!”
But I do think I have a good attitude. It really isn’t me after all; God gives me
the strength and courage to face tomorrow with hope and a bright outlook. I truly believe that “ I can do all this through him
who gives me strength. “ (Phil. 4:13).
But
having that hope does take faith. Faith,
after all, is ”confidence in what we
hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” (Heb. 1:1) I don’t always see
that hope, I don’t always feel Gods love.
But I know that it is there.
That is the root of blooming where you
are planted. The first step, the only essential
step, is to believe, no matter what, that God still loves you. We are told we are going to have trouble in
this world. It is just a reality, a
by-product of having a heartbeat. But we have a life because God loves us. Having problems, suffering, doesn’t mean God
doesn’t love us. Suffering is just an
opportunity for us to grow and to feel God’s loving arms around us. When life is going fine I have a tendency to
chug along, not paying attention to God’s presence. But in times of suffering I can feel him
there and see evidence of him working. That is a blessing, my friend.
As long as you understand and believe
that God loves you then you can have the strength to get through anything. In your darkest moments just repeat “God
loves me.” Breathe it in, breathe it
out. Live it. Hear it in your heartbeat. Plant it in the ground and watch it bloom.
1 John 4:8New International Version (NIV)
8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. Monday, August 26, 2013
The Bible Verse not for the Faint of Heart
Romans 8:28
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for
good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His
purpose.
I believe next to John 3:16 (“For
God so loved the world that he gave his only son, that whoever believed in him
would have eternal life.”) Romans 8:28
is the most important verse in the Bible.
If you can get this verse then many of the struggles that this world
gives you can be endured. It is the key
to blooming where you are planted and the key to understanding many of life’s
mysteries. It is not for the faint of
heart, though. You need to be a mature
Christian to really ‘get’ this verse, but oh when you do . . . it can bring the greatest of comfort to your
weary soul.
Let’s break this verse down, shall
we?
“and we. . .”
Who is the ‘we’ in this passage? All believers really. Paul refers to “children of God” “those that
live according to the Spirit” and “those who are in Christ Jesus.” But this particular passage begins with “I
consider our present suffering (18).”
So Paul is talking specifically to those of us who have suffered. For some time I believed that this was
reserved for those that suffered for Christ, the persecuted, but now I am not
so sure. This passage doesn’t mention
being persecuted in Christ, but only the general groaning that all of us,
including creation, suffer because we are eagerly awaiting our redemption. When I imagine this passage I can hear my
groans and the creaks of my bones every time I get up from sitting for a long
time. There is a certain amount of pain
and suffering that comes with living.
Then there are the special times of intense emotional or physical
suffering that comes at particular times in every one’s life. It is these moments that turning to this
passage can provide the most comfort.
“. . .know. . .”
We don’t think it or wish it. We know with the certainty that goes well
beyond our circumstances. During times of suffering it is important to define
our circumstances by our faith, not the other way around. This is the true
meaning of hope. It is like Paul says
earlier, “But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who
hopes for what they already have? 25 But
if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.”
“that God causes. . .”
It isn’t us, mere humans that do the
work. We can’t make things work out by our own force of will. We aren’t in control. And isn’t this what suffering does? It rips the thinly veiled façade of control
right off of life until we are forced to admit that God is in control. And who better to be in control than the creator
and author of the universe, the one who knows all and can see how it can all
work out for our good and His glory?
“all things. . .”
Not some things, not good things,
not the things we choose, but ALL things.
Even those things that we see as messy, confusing, even downright evil
can be used for good.
“to work together. . .”
This reminds me of a huge jigsaw
puzzle. When you first start you have no
idea on how things are going to work together to form anything resembling the
picture on the box. And in life, we
don’t even have the picture on the box to go by either. In fact, a lot of times I’m trying to fit the
pieces of my life together to form this picture of what I think it should be. The thing is God has something even more
beautiful in mind, beyond anything we could even imagine. It all just looks like unrelated pieces to my
imperfect eyes. I couldn’t even work it
together if I wanted to. Only God can
because only he can see the final picture, the perfect picture of how we will
appear when we finally meet him face to face.
“for good. . .”
This verse doesn’t say that
everything that happens will be good, just that is will work together for
good. But how can the ugly painful,
messy parts of our lives do that? That
is the beauty of God’s transformative power.
He took an ugly, shameful instrument of death, the cross, and
transformed it into the greatest love letter of all time. Don’t you think he can take whatever pain and
suffering in our lives and transform it?
There is nothing that is beyond his power to use it for our good and His
glory.
“for those that love God”
It is so tempting
to be bitter and angry when something bad happens in our lives. But God is big enough to handle those
feelings if we just hold on. We are
going to suffer any way, why waste it pushing God away? He can give such comfort and joy to our
hearts if we just let him. He loves us so much that he died for us. He suffered for us and all he asks is that we
allow Him to suffer with us, to comfort us.
After all “We love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19).”
“to those that are called”
A lot has been written about this simple work called. Some believe they have been called to their
ministry, their job, etc. The word
called reminds me to listen to God’s voice when making decisions, letting him
guide me. It reminds me of the verses
that say that the sheep will know the sound of the master’s voice. It is an intimate thing. I only recognize the voices of those closest
to me, the ones I’m used to hearing from and listening too. I don’t ever want to go so long in not
listening to God that I cease to recognize his voice, his leading. In the toughest moments of my life I need to
hear that voice even more. In the storms
of life, God’s voice still rings true; listen with your heart if your ears
won’t.
“According to His
purpose.”
Notice this doesn’t say for our purposes.
The things that happen in life aren’t to make us happy or content or
peaceful. They are to make us grow. Grow to be more like Christ. Grow to attract others to Christ and to give
glory to Him. Growth doesn’t happen if
there isn’t any rain. Strength doesn’t
increase when there isn’t any wind. The
garden doesn’t bloom by us simply looking out the window. We have to get our hands dirty.
The greatest lessons of life are learned in the hardest moments of
life. This is where you learn how great
God’s love is. This is where the dross is burned away to produce the most
precious of metals. This is where are
all the pieces of life are brought together to form the “good,” the best
really, that God wants to give us.
Another part of the Bible puts it this way: In Gen 50, Joseph says to his brothers
20 You intended to harm me,
but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving
of many lives.
Joseph suffered greatly in his life, but he
was able to see how all the pieces fit together so that his whole nation was
saved from famine.
I am sure that many would say that cancer
is evil, and for all intents and purposes it is. But what Satan wanted to use for evil, God
intends for good. Yes, even cancer can
be used for my good and His glory. I am
here to tell you that you can praise God through anything. I choose to thank him in advance for all the
good he is going to do through even the most horrible of circumstances.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The Beauty in the Ashes
I was struck on how beautiful the sunsets were when forest fires were burning on Mt. Charleston.
The sun shone through and infused its light through the smoke. The stark contrast between the dark smoke and
the bright sunshine brought out subtle colors in both.
While it is true that the fire burned 25,000 acres and
destroyed six buildings, apparently forest fires have benefits too. According to “How Stuff Works” websites, “Forest
fires are a natural and necessary part of the ecosystem. Even healthy forests
contain dead trees and decaying plant matter; when a fire turns them to ashes,
nutrients return to the soil instead of remaining captive in old vegetation.” Like the beauty of the sun piercing through
the smoke, the benefits of the fires break through from the destruction.
God’s love is like that.
There are events in our lives that seem destructive. Maybe you are living in the dark days where
God’s love does not seem to reach you.
The darkness that surrounds you seems to have no end and the fire of
stress seems to be wreaking havoc in your life.
But it is the darkness of life that helps to set against the
beauty of God’s love. When focused on, it
can light the air around you, bringing out the subtle beauty and depth of life. What seems like destruction can remove what we
think of as important so we can cultivate what is really important.
There is no doubt that this cancer has wreaked destruction
in my life and on my body. I carry the
scars with me every day. My chest looks
like they took a big chunk with an ice cream scoop which essentially they did. I’m not the wife, the mother, the teacher I
would like to be whether that is because of exhaustion or side effects of
chemo.
But if I focus on what God has taught me, on his love and
provision, it colors all that with a subtle brightness that pierces the
darkness. The darkness provides a depth to my life that I wouldn’t have
otherwise. Every day I am learning to
focus on what is important—that my husband, my kids, know that I love them,
that I continue to spread the message of praising God through all of my
circumstances.
In this life there will be fire, destruction, death. But in the ashes there is beauty. It doesn’t happen on its own. Only God
has the power to pierce the darkness with His light, to clear the death and
decay to produce life. Only God has that
power. Will you let him work His glory?
2
Corinthians 1:8-9
New International Version (NIV)
8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,
about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great
pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life
itself. 9 Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of
death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who
raises the dead.
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